What do I Make of This?

dear me
when you wake up
and forget how to look at the world with warmth,
when it takes all of the energy you have
to turn off the alarm and open the blinds:
remember this.
when you forget to eat for days and push in your ribs ashamed,
when you look in the mirror
and see your stretches coming back,
the vitamins you take every morning,
the anxiety medicine in your purse
when you can’t fucking breathe
because you had that dream again
and you can’t fucking think straight
because there are too many people.
why are there so many people?
remember this.
when you can’t sleep and stare at the ceiling
playing your past like a projection lit by the glow of your phone,
when you feel like your wings were clipped
by a neighborhood before you could even spell the word,
when you’ve gone months without writing anything
and months of doctors appointments on your schedule:
remember this.
remember that you may still be young
but your bones have held you so strong
please don’t ever let them stop whispering,
please remember this:
you are stronger than this.
you deserve more than this.
you fought the war before it began
and you’ll celebrate the victory long before it’s over.

I trust you.

sometimes, i think that a person can look at another person and peel back all the things that shut us off from others. that one person is able to lovingly part the armor way from our skin, from our fear, from our love, from our hate, from our self.

i think it’s love. not fondness, or love, or adoration, or pink little emoji hearts. it’s love, the manifestation of the ache and need to nurture. I want to peel away the layers of disdain you have for the world and pour a little love into you with my words of encouragement, of congratulation, of understanding. 

It’s not bought in jewels, or meals at fancy restaurants. it’s showing that person something you don’t share with others. 

i see the hurt in myself reflected in other people’s eyes. the doubt, the fidgeting . I see it reflected in wildly different colors. in reds and blues, in that beautiful charcoal grey that reminds me of salt, or sand. 

i want to hold you close. i want to make sure you’re okay. i want to feed you and wrap you up in a cloak of warmth. I want to make you laugh. I want you all to know I love you, from a far.

when i get too tipsy. when i’m near tears with frustration. when I panic, frozen and gut lurching. trying to convince myself it’s fine when it’s not. 

I love you. I love you. I love you. You strangers, you my love, you my friend, you my past, you my present, you my future. I fucking love you. and here’s the thing, i’m teaching myself not to need you to love me back. I just love you. 

Do Not Fear

It’s easy to fall into the pattern of believing the ways and words of the world. The judgement, the criticism, the negativity and the labels that most consider acceptable. It’s easy to take three steps back from the light of Christ’s eyes and step into the shadows of the unknown, the earth, your city, your town. It’s easy to lose sight of what is sure and steadfast, and become swallowed up by all that is shakeable and untrue. Without hope, without strength, without reliance and trust in all that He has promised and claimed for us, we are sure to rely on the lies of satan as a place to find our worth. In our struggles it is nothing less than his goal and aim, to crush us so finely, that we feel adamantly to weak to stand and proclaim the truth over our lies… And so, we are left wondering- if this is the fate I hold on the other side of the line of life, how do I keep myself from being pulled in the direction of all that is false, rather than all that is true; and the answer is pure and simple… Focus and rely on His word, His face and His victories, and run forth in prayer and desire to seek and be all that is pure and holy; Do not fear what is to come, do not fear what looks back at you in the mirror- but embrace who Christ has created and saved you to be. Your reflection in time, will become more beautiful.. As you hold tight to his garments, commit to his commands, repent to the foot of the cross, be cleansed by His blood, adhere to and live out His word. Until the day when you glance in the mirror and see the weights, judgements and words of the world resting on His reflection staring back at you, and not your own. As it is for this reason, and many more- that He came for us, that we may not suffer, struggle and fall without a remedy, a cure, a release… A Saviour to raise us up, dust off our imperfections and remind us that each day is a new opportunity to get things right and start again.  How blessed we are to live in victory, and not in defeat.

Why