I have been thinking more and more about what it means for me to follow Christ in every area of my life. I have not been feeling Christ very much lately, and I feel like I’m in a self-induced emotional drought. Overwhelmed and lazy are not a good combination to have at all, especially as a teacher.
Thoughts on God
Do I love you? Or do I just love the thought of you? The idea that there’s someone out there who’s loved me their whole life; my whole life. Though we can pray for renewal in the Spirit, what if the Spirit is being ignored? I don’t like God. I don’t even like the idea of Him. Why do I like Him? Do you have to like God to be saved? Oh! My mind and spirit are in turmoil. I don’t really get it. I don’t really get you. I feel like you’re an intellectual puzzle I can’t solve, but I’ll die if I don’t find a way out of the maze. Then, I get distracted by me, a boy, my nails, my emotions, other people’s emotions, LIFE.
For once, I’d like to be weak, break down and in the crying and blubbering between, breakthrough. For once, I’d like to be strong, on top of things and living in the Spirit, day-by-day. For once, I’d like to say what I think, because I want to and because it’s needed, not because others have come to expect me to say weird things. For once, I’d like the solution to be as easy as crying. I feel trapped in this quirky, geeky persona like it’s a skin that’s attached to me. Comfortably like it’s me, but rub me the wrong way and it all falls apart. I fall apart.
I try to act better than I am, and it doesn’t make me feel guilty anymore. I’m not good. I am and I’m not. I constantly feel a tug of war between the spirit and my flesh. My flesh wins. Why? (2 Timothy 2: 22) I’m not giving you a fair chance at all. I’m surrounding myself with things that attempt to satisfy my insatiable flesh. CONVICTION. Why am I not listening to God? Because I have Matchbox 20, erotic stories to replace the pornography, raps, Hulu, fantasies, Buffy/Angel, etc...screaming in my ears and mind 24/7. Detoxing is in order.
I've got to listen to you before I just write you off. I know it won't be easy, but I have no idea exactly how hard it's going to be. How am I going to deal with these ugly flesh desires? I feel like they’re not warring anymore. I’m just used to them. I’m used to doing things my way instead of yours. Teach me you. Teach me your way. If I don’t listen, beat me until I do. I mean it. Kill me so I can live for you. Scratch that. Kill me so you can live through me.
God heals those with broken hearts. (Psalm 34:17) 1 Corinthians 9:27 (I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should.) It’s like God is a nice thought. God is not a sweet religious system. Pray for a burden for the lost.
I feel as if I am going to Hell. I will get up to Heaven’s gates and be told that Christ never knew me. Do you? Do I know you? God, most times I don’t know how many thoughts fly through me and how many screams unknown are ripped silently from my throat. I don’t take Hell seriously. Heaven and Hell are abstract ideas to me. I don’t understand your prodding at my soul. My soul is an abstract concept to me, and I don’t understand any of it. I don’t understand any of this. What do I do? I could accept this superficially (which I’ve done all of my life) or I could ask questions and see where it leads. Ima ask questions this time, this month.
‘It’s all about You’ is not my battle cry. What can I do? What can you do? What will I do? What will you do? Dig into John. Dig into the gospel of my love. (I’ll say goodbye to my father, my mother/I’ll turn my back on every other lover/ and I’ll press on.) Preparing to meet God. Preparing to know God. How do I practically prepare to meet someone I’ve technically met and say I love? Do I love you? Do I know you love me? Isaiah 43:19-21
"Lord I believe, forgive my unbelief!"
ReplyDeleteIn regards to your opening paragraph, I would urge you to be cautious.
We all know girls work differently than boys; if I'm not sexually attracted to them, then it's platonic, it's okay. Problem is girls relate more with their emotions. We want someone we can relate to, whom we can depend on and share our deepest secrets with. Obvious this need is easily met in the form of friends. But depending on someone and being dependent on someone is a thin, dangerous line.
What it comes down to is regardless of whether we're sexually or emotionally attracted to someone doesn't matter. It's when we desire something before God that there's a problem.
I don't know if this is something you went through, just thought I'd toss it out there.