So, this is what the third week of my third year at Cedarville feels like. Exhilarating joy from watching students voluntarily worship in chapel and excruciating pain from being in an environment with it's own problems and issues.Cedarville is like the emotional counterpart to my city.
8/31/09 ENTRY
"Living in my neighborhood is like living in a near-continual state of physical pain; while living in Cedarville is like living in a near-continual state of emotional pain."
I still vividly remember my freshman year impressions of Cedarville, negative and naive. I remember thinking that the students had no problems at all; they were all just spoiled brats complaining about endless food, living with a roof over their heads, and an hour of church every day. I remember being scared of a race riot breaking out in chapel. I remember continually being uneasy whenever my family, especially my little brother/sister, would visit. How's that for first impressions?
Fortunately, most of my former impressions have changed over the years. I know the students here have problems; they're just different problems, and most of them are more secretive. Chucks, the dorms, and chapel have all irritated me at different times. I remember feeling a longing, a seeking for home. I had one of the biggest cases of homesickness my freshman year, and even now, I'd go home in a heartbeat. Don't get me wrong. The people here are fascinating in the way they think about the world and the way they process things differently than me. There are people here that mean a lot to me, and I would do almost anything for them. I just remember people saying "You'll get used to living here." It's my third year, and I'm still not used to living here. Not as scared as freshman year, but still not quite comfortable.
There were so many people who'd say "You know more people as a freshman than I do as a senior." (Personally, I think that's just 'cause I'm one of the quirkiest students on campus, black or not. :-) Most people, though, forgot about me sophomore year. No explanation. Just didn't remember me. Then, there were those people who called me friends, but didn't show it at all. Polite because they had to be, and that was about it. I've always been the person that's very easy to forget because I'm kind of in my own little world most of the time.
So, people think I'm quirky, weird, odd. I've heard "Bless your heart" more times than I count. I've gotten puzzled polite looks, amused giggles, and ocassionally overjoyed shouts at having found me to be just as crazy as they are. At Cedarville, it's all about politeness. So many peoplewould rather go around me to someone else than talk to me.
Cedarville has taught me much about relating to others, but it's taught me much more about my relationship with God. While others may forget me, I love my God. He will never forget His "screwed-up-desperately clinging to His hand-sometimes needy" daughter. No matter how many times I forget Him, mispronounce His name, ignore Him, refuse to learn about Him, refuse to relate to Him in His love language, look down on Him, act like I don't need Him, etc.....He LOVES me. I'm much more people-oriented than task-oriented. If someone came up to say hi during a meeting, I would stop the meeting and talk with them. (Today, I accidentally forgot I was in Cedarville. Went up to a student to say hi, but I forgot meetings, projects, activities, and events are more important than a fifteen-minute convo with someone else.) This student is one of the sweetest people here; if you boiled her down, she'd probably be pure sugar, but she's still a Cedarville girl.
How many times do I act like a Cedarville girl towards God? "Sorry, I can't worship you now 'cause I have to do my homework, go to Rinnova and Youngs, talk with my friends, etc...." Thank you, God, for never forgetting me.
Maybe that's what relating to God looks like.
I don't forget Him, and He NEVER forgets me.
