Natalie

Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind. Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch. - Natalie, age 9

God is slowly pulling me home

Road Trips and Ball Games

As a kid, my family was a big "road trip family". Since flying seven people across the country was too expensive (this was before the sky-high gas prices), riding in a steaming-too-many-suitcases-and-people-to-be-comfortable car was more practical. I have a slew of siblings/cousins and the abundance of colorful personalities equally offset the lack of money. My own home wasn’t exactly plush – we've never had bedrooms that weren't shared with at least two other people. But there were fewer of us and so it always seemed a bit more towards the upper end of the impoverished scale. But despite the crowd, I’ve never been in a household so thunderously peaceful.

I remember thinking freshman year at Cedarville that I would take a road trip when I graduated and visit different states. No plans, no agendas. Just point myself down a dust-filled road and drive. Went for a walk on campus today, and I just wanted to keep going. I saw the baseball field on campus for the first time today. As sentimental as it sounds, I could have cried.

I wanted to play baseball forever. There's a feeling you get when you step on the field and step up to the plate. Every player, young and old, gets this feeling that all of your worries don't matter. The only thing that matters is hitting the ball, not what you screwed up yesterday or don't know how to say. Now, I haven't played in almost two years. Freshman year, I came to Cedarville with a bang. I refuse to leave a whimpering shell.

I can't wait for the road ahead. Some day, I want to be able to say that I've had plenty of endless road trips and night-time ball games.

Oh and one more thing, if anyone could lend me a ball and bat, I'd sure like to play again.

Home (Guest Post)

This is from Max Andrew Dubinsky's blog, which I highly reccomend, especially for my brothers. www.makeitmad.com

"Home may be sweet home, or where you hang your hat, but it is not always your porpoise-colored bedroom walls or your DVD collection. Home is (as cliched as it gets) where your heart is.

My heart is in the streets. It beats for the people who are broken, defeated, and hopeless. It brings me life so that I may introduce life to others. Because like so many of you, I have the answer the man sleeping on the sidewalk is looking for. I know the truth the woman begging for change is seeking. I know where the comfort for the cancer patient resides, and where forgiveness for the post-abortive mother awaits.

This life isn’t about forcing our religion down someone’s throat, trying to figure out where dinosaurs fit into the Bible or finding the missing link. It’s not about coming to a decision on gay-marriage, or proving the existence of Hell. It’s not about church attendance or animal rights. This life isn’t about becoming a millionaire, our jobs, or marrying a supermodel. It’s not about debating the differences between Catholics, Mormons, and Christians, or why anyone let Snooki publish a book.

This life is about simply living. Not for ourselves. But for others.

I believe the one thing we all have in common is a desire to feel insignificant.

Not worthless.

But less.

Have you ever stood on a beach and stared out into the vastness of the ocean? I want to feel insignificant the way it feels to stand at the edge of the Grand Canyon. I want to say, “This thing is so much bigger than me.” I accepted the truth of the Gospel because I realized I was screwed if my life was the only thing to live for. I want to know there is something greater out there."

An Open Letter to My Future Wife (Guest Post)

Hey!
My friend Andrew shared his letter to his future wife, and I thought it was sweet, and I decided to share it as a Guest Post. So here it is....

Hey Wife,

I hope that you are doing well today. I know that you are and that God is protecting you and your heart. I’m sorry if you’ve ever been hurt. I’m sorry if some guy told you that he loved you and then broke your heart soon after. I’m sorry, but you must know that I’ve done the same (without saying that I love you).

I want you to know that I pray and think about you everyday. I want you to know that I’ll do whatever it takes to fight for you and pursue you. I desire to have what it takes, even if people tell me that I can’t have you or that you’re way out of my league. When we’re together, you make my heart thump more than anything (except for Jesus of course).

You love me regardless of my faults, and I love you equally. God reveals Himself to me through you and He reveals Himself to you through me. We learn about God as we learn about ourselves.

I know that guys get a bad wrap when it comes to cooking, but I want to let you know that, while I may not be the best, I’ll give it a shot. After all, I do make a killer French Toast recipe, or so I’m told. When I see you my heart wells up in side. Not only do I love your outward beauty, but I also love your inward beauty as well. I’ll miss you when I’m teaching everyday. I’ll tell my elementary school kids about you and this will give me an opportunity to share our story with them. Who knows? Maybe it will be a platform for me to lead a few of them to Jesus Christ.

When we get married, we are going to think things are perfect. We’ll go think everything is okay and then we’ll have kids. I’ll try my best to serve you with my all, but I know I’ll fail at times. I’m not perfect and if I was I’d be Jesus. Thank you for showing me love even when I fail.

I realize that we’re going to have our fair share of argument. My face will probably be red, and sometimes I might take a walk because I’m so mad. But I want you to know that I’m sorry. Would you forgive me?

Thank you for accepting me for who I am and not what I do. I realize that my job is something that I’m going to love dearly, but my identity is found in Jesus Christ.

I don’t think I’ve met you yet, but maybe I have. When I find you, I’m going to pursue you like God pursued me. He knows me inwardly and outwardly, and I want to know the same stuff about you.

Lastly, I wanted to say that there are going to be some things I’ve done in my past that are sad and pretty pathetic. I’m going to tell you these things at some point in our relationship (most likely) before marriage. Some of these things are going to make you mad and sad. You’re going to know me inwardly and outwardly. Thank you for loving and accepting me enough to forgive me for what I’ve already done.

I miss you and hope to find you one day.

Until then, I’m going to talk to God about you.

Love,

Andrew

Interesting

http://enneagramquiz.com/results.php

"You know I had a lot of things I wanted to do… I want to be a teacher…I also want to be an astronaut…and also have my own cake shop. I wish I could live life five times over…Then I’d be born in five different places, and I’d stuff myself with different food from around the world…I’d live five different lives with five different occupations…and then, for those five lives…I’d fall in love with the same person…”

Letter to My Brothers

To my brother,
This started as a simple letter, a few lines to support you, and show my appreciation. Momentum got a hold of the process, however, and here we are.
You are whatever you want to be.
You choose your fate, you choose your label, and you choose your future.
You are my brother.
You are a person in charge of his own life who is capable of doing whatever you set your mind to.
What are your goals for tomorrow, and the week after that, and the year after that?
How are you going to navigate the world in light of the decisions you have made
You are a university student, of sound mind and body, and capable of anything.
Now decide what you are going to do with all that health and wisdom, and God-given talent
And quit calling yourself names
David was a philanderer,
Noah was a drunkard,
Peter was a fraidy-cat,
Moses was a murder

These are people who altered the paradigm of human society at one point because they did not accept the labels that the world chose to give them and they stayed true to their convictions and their beliefs. People who chose to live grand lives that outshined their mistakes and labels.
There is a power in you capable of far exceeding even those men. My point is that you are capable of anything

Though I know some of you better than others, I know you all have strengths
Your strengths as I know them:
You are extremely intelligent
Indomitably creative
Talented
Charming
Funny
People gravitate to you,
and all of you are “natural-born” leaders
In case you haven’t noticed there are people in your circle who look to you for advice and direction. They do this because of some innate gift you have to be a leader
You are a leader of men, a conqueror,
Now pick yourself up, shed the labels that the world would limit you with and actually use what you have
For too long we have toiled in the valley. God isn’t going to pull us out of the valley. He has equipped us with the tools to climb out on our own, and the unwavering strength to stand once we are there. God didn’t give you these resources, this talent, these gifts, this fortune and wisdom so that you could call yourselves names, and live under the weight of our depression
You are here to be a light to people.
To be the strong, gifted leaders that help people weather the storms
To guide the afflicted, to shore up the damaged, and build the foundations.
I have said it before and I shall say it again, you can accept the title the world has branded you with or you can do what needs to be done and prove what you know in my heart to be true: that whatever happens is going to happen on God’s terms, and regardless, you are going to MAN UP and take whatever design God has in store for you.
You can spin in circles with self-doubt, pulling yourself down and holding yourself down with self-criticism, and depression, Or you can pull yourself up, take charge of your life and fight.
The brother I know is a rebel
The brother I know could wrestle the Devil himself on sheer will alone.
The brother I know is a wondrous marvel whose story has yet to be told
I say all this out of love and reverence
I would say this to anyone I know and love, because I love you:
Show the world that the Lion within you is too massive to be tied down
Show the world that tenacious spirit that bars cannot hold
Show the world that you are serious about yourself, your goals, your dreams and that nothing is stronger than you
No man can hold you
No mortal can contend with you
No living thing on this earth can ever bind that which is within you
I started this as a simple letter
This is serious to me, so serious, that I want to set up a classroom and drill it into your head until you get it.
You could rule the world if you wanted to if you just realized for one small second how truly powerful you are.
People are waiting.
Sitting on their hands and hearts as they wait for you to see the wonder that you control, to see the TRUTH about yourself. I can say it a million times. I can know it for a lifetime, but until you see it for yourself then I’m just a tree in the forest that doesn’t matter because who cares if no one is around to hear it.
We are dust in the wind
We are but a leaf on the breeze
Do you realize?
Do you hear a word I am saying?
I am talking about you actually LIVING
And knowing that it is for a purpose
And knowing that it is UP TO YOU.
And knowing that no man can EVER decide the life that you are going to live
NO MAN has ever had that power unless you gave it to them,
So now go and be yourself
And take control of reality
And show the world who the hell you are
And know that you are doing it with the love and support of people whose prayers have been with you since you emerged onto this earth. You are stepping out with the strength of a powerful bloodline of kings, conquerors and leaders of men who have walked this earth for generations so that you can be here, so that you can take charge of yourself.
So that you can truly be the man that no one can tell you to be,
The man that has never been controlled
The man that has been sitting inside you all this time waiting for his time to truly shine. The man we all know and love and are waiting to arrive. The man YOU have to actually believe you can be before he will ever surface.
It all comes down to you
It has always come down to YOU
It will never come down to anything but you and your choices, and your life.
Wind in your sails, but you can only sail if you are willing to rise anchor and cast off into your life.

Your sister,
Miyah Faith

Forcing Myself to Sin

I've noticed that I force myself to sin most often. I don't know if anyone else has this problem, or if it's just a messed-up personality trait. I love getting as close to sinning as possible without sinning. My spirit likes to play with sin like the kid who gets as close to the flames without setting himself on fire.
Why do I do this? Why do I think this way? Is this because of the challenge? When it happens, it's usually curiosity/chasing a thrill. The original sin does not give me as much satisfaction so I keep going, getting deeper into sin than I wanted, chasing a superficial satisfaction. So where's the real satisfaction?
Where's the real thrill? I want adventure, but like a crazy cat lady, I stay in my room reading books and writing rants while daydreaming adventures. I realize that sin is an adventure, for a season. It brings danger, the thought of almost being caught, and a sense of adventure. No more. I don't want a "sense" of adventure. I want a real adventure. I want a challenge.

I'm not going to lie and say following God is an adventure. I don't believe that right now. However, I'm tired of the lie that applause, elegance, pornography, masturbation, well-being, dishonesty, anger, depression, etc......is some great adventure.

I'm following Christ. Come with me on the adventure. :)

Katherine MansField

I am in need of exercise. I shall go out, I think, for a walk, despite the fact that I shall become physically, mentally, and psychically damped… I feel a need of a big grey sky, and a long line of lights. Also a confused noise of traffic, and the sense of many people— you know?

Why I Don't Blog Often-Michael Nichols

Several conditions must be met in order for me to blog.

1.) I have to feel a little moody.

As with any sort of expression, whether it be poetry, songwriting, or painting, blogging often is meant to share what is within, even if only for the purpose of release. I suspect hundreds of thousands of blogs exist, and each writer has a different intent. Many share opinions on current news, whether politics or athletics. Others blog as a sort of public journal. As I am not a strongly opinionated person on nearly any matter (even if sometimes I assume the guise of it), my blogging falls into the latter category. I do not keep a frequent journal, and even during the times I do, it is because I need to work through something. Similarly, when I blog, it is to sort through myself, to dig in and express the conglomerate of desires and fears within myself. In order to do this, I need to be somewhere between contented and despairing. That place is moody.

2.) I need to have a shareable topic.

Following the idea of a public journal, most of the matters I sort through are intensely personal and private. My deepest considerations involve those immediately around me. Because of this, I often cannot display in the public domain what I wrestle with for fear of causing some unwanted effect in my friends.

Further, even should my considerations not involve others, I myself am, on the whole, a closed person. I share little, and even when I do share I hold back much, whether I am speaking to a stranger or a close friend. It is not in my nature to talk much about my own thoughts, and it is often a concerted effort when I do so. This is not to say I do not have good friends, nor to speak of my distrust of them. Rather, it is a distrust of myself and my ability to express myself that holds me back. I will refrain here from a deeper psycho-analysis or listing of seemingly exceptional circumstances. Suffice it to say, often I am like Frodo and the others when they reach Bree: my business is my own. It is such not to be effrontery, but because I cannot foresee the consequences of sharing my whole mind, nor would I know how to explain the whole thing if I did. Often, I share just enough to get in the door, so that I may move on to other matters, and perhaps within find someone whom I can trust to aid me. Often, though, I find that person missing, even if he had promised to meet me there.

All that being the case, not many topics move me to deep consideration that I feel would be appropriate to share on a blog.

3.) I require some passion about the subject.

This requirement is perhaps simply an inference of the previous ones, but I wish to add here what does not quite match with those. Many topics peek my interest, and I have right now several partially written posts on various topics. Inevitably, though, I become bogged down in the writing process searching for words and phrases, and leave it lying half composed.

I do not suppose any of these requirements are exceptional, nor do I suppose myself to be such. I share these things firstly for clarity, so that it is no mystery why I often promise a post and fail to bring it about. I have another reason, also.

While I sit in the inn, pondering what I should do now that my friend is late in arriving, it may be that some help unlooked-for is nearby, and having a keen eye should require only a brief revelation to know me and my need.

(The analogy is tedious, and most likely misconstrues my own thoughts, but aren't blog posts supposed to end enigmatically? Nevertheless, I think my application of the full analogy provides enough benefits to merit inclusion, even if with this footnote.)

Things to do Before I Turn 25

1.Learn Spanish
(I want to teach bi-lingual classrooms, and I can recognize words but can't speak it fluently. Need to work on this one.)
2.Learn how to play the piano
(I've started this one, but I want to get better. The only problem is I want to be a concert pianist, like yesterday.)
3.Travel around the world
(North America and Jamaica are what I have so far. I loved going overseas even though I'm constantly afraid I'll mess something up at the airport and get banned from flying anywhere since I'm such a klutz.)
4.Cook more than pancakes and soup
(Eat food from around the world. I just love food. I will eat anything and have the good luck to love almost everything)
5.Lead myself to Christ
(If this sounds weird, let me explain. I am a writer and poet, analytical, skeptical, and seeing every perspective under the sun. I tend to get atheistic in my doubts and fears, and I'd like to reach the point where I can truthfully say I don't need to know the 'why' without feeling like I'm killing a piece of my brain.)
6.Write a collection of poetry
(Does anyone else imagine themselves as a happier version of Emily Dickinson or a younger, girlier John Lennon? No.....well neither do I………………. That would be weird.)
7.Forgive myself
(Working on forgiving myself as God forgives me. Of course, having a sea of forgetfulness would speed up this process tremendously.)
8.Love Christ
(I want to love Christ so much my heart aches when I think about Him. Right now, He's a pleasant thought, not even a crush. The dude died for me. I can at least show respect.)
9.Laugh 1,000+ times a day
(Not at lame jokes that tease or poke fun. Just find genuine humor in everyday situations)
10.Finish my screenplay
(Seriously, if this thing was written instead of on the computer, it would be covered in dust. Gotta crack it open)
11.Find my Identity in Christ
(Too tricky to explain in a small blurb. Might post about it later on.)
12.Invest in friends
(I tend to isolate myself with books. Reading is good, but being with people is the skill I need to learn.)
13.Read through the entire Bible
(Yeah, I know. Such a cliché Christian girl thing to do. Hey, clichés are clichés for a reason.)
14.Mentor a girl
(Investing in another person is the most challenging thing to do for someone who would rather read in the corner and spout sarcastic philosophy.)
15.Be published in an Honest-to-God newspaper
(This might be more of a pride thing as a writer than anything else.)
16.Discover my beauty
(Being a bookish nerd who loves John Hughes and Joss Whedon has done wonders for my quirky intelligence but not much in the area of outer beauty. It’s not the only thing that matters, but this is the first year, I haven’t ran away from nice clothes and makeup. I’m taking it for a twirl.)
17.Learn what being a lady looks like and become it
(I know what being a woman is, but I want to be the genteel, sweet lady that wouldn’t hurt anyone and knows how to cook a mean lasagna. No, I’m not anti-“women being smart” –hello nerd, anyone?- but I want to brush up on my feminine traits. )
18.Learn to ride a motorcycle
(Yeah, it may go against #17 but who cares?!? I’ll ride it on the days I feel angry or adventurous.)

Only

Only the broken hearted
get their hearts fixed.
Only the weak
get to stand on His shoulders.
Only the weary
get to rest under His wings.
Only the empty
get filled by His spirit.
Only the battered and bruised
get healed by His touch.
Only the whores and prostitutes
get bought back by His love.
Only the wounded
get carried in His arms.
Only the dirty and vile
get cleansed by His grace.

Found some of my old poems.........

My Children:

To the walking wounded
To the girl without joy
To the boy tormented by secrets
To those who don't feel God anymore
To those with an abundance of demands
and little to give
To those who have silenced their song
To those tired of depression
To the apathetic ones
To those running out of reasons to rise in the morning
To those who are battered
To those who are weak from carrying their cross
To those struggling to fight the good fight
To those still imprisoned
Take Heart,
The Day of Freedom is here.
Love,
-Father God


HE died on that day because of me.
Not anyone else, not "them" but me.
Why?
Even on my best days, I'm not worth HIS life
Even on my best days, I'm not worthy of HIM
But then again, who is?
Where would HIS glory be if the world was not desperately in need of salvation?
Why would I give HIM praise if I did not need HIS salvation?
HE died on that day not because HE was forced to
HE died on that day not because HE wanted to
HE died on that day because I desperately, absolutely needed HIS death to live.
That, my friend, is grace.

Idealistic Healer (Nataly)

So, I took the personality test my girl Nataly showed me, and this is what I got.

I am an INFP.
That stands for---> Introversion, iNtuition, feeling, perception. Only 4-5% of America's population is this type.

Idealistic Healer.

---It can't be truer that I'm a healer, because as surely as I love to listen to people & find a way to help them out, I am also constantly looking for ways to heal them. This can be a HUGE problem regarding my faith. I clash with wanting to heal and change myself and everyone on a daily basis, when I should let Jesus heal & change us.

---As an INFP, my main concern is personal growth. All my energy & focus is directed inwardly. Unlike the extrovert, where their focus is on other people & they gain strength by being around people, as an introvert, being around too much people for too long drains me & I need to seclude to renew & regain strength. I need to be alone to process stuff, and even though I don't mind being alone, I feel that I miss out on people a lot.

I hate that I am not a true extrovert, people-centered person. It greatly clashes with the fact that I love people. I really do, I enjoy people, I have a deeper sympathy & genuine care for people than the other personality types, but at the same time, I love me my solitude.

*Outside of the personality test, my love language is Physical Touch.

I feel most loved when I'm physically close to a person, no matter what we're doing. At the same time, I don't like to go to people for advice or take their time mostly cause I feel that I'll be able to handle it by myself & I don't wanna be a nuisance. I'm a very private person, I wanna deal with things on my own and don't like asking for help.

Other things that suck about me:

--I expect too much of people. I have so much learning, embracing & loving to do.

--I expect too much of myself. I always have this feeling of guilt & emptiness that I'm not trying hard enough or doing enough..which for the most part is true anyway. I have very high standards for everything, that I don't know how I'm gonna deal with settling down later. I am kind of a perfectionist & can be controlling. If I am doing group work, I don't trust that someone else has the best answer, so I usually end up doing all the work.

--I don't speak up when I'm amongst a group of people & they are talking all at once. Like I said, it's draining to me. I sit back & observe everyone and listen to what they're saying, analyzing. If someone happens to comment on my silence and asks me what I think, I'll spill out all the beans & they're like.."Whoa..where did that come from?"

--I deal with my emotions alone. It's only when I really can't deal with something, that I seek out people.

--I'm happy to spend time alone, but sometimes I depend too much on myself.

--Being a healer, I very much dislike conflict & not being in harmony.

---I spend so much time in my mind
2 Corinthians 10:4-5.

Why am I so complicated?!
Why don't I make sense?

God must love making paradoxes. :)