I trust you.

sometimes, i think that a person can look at another person and peel back all the things that shut us off from others. that one person is able to lovingly part the armor way from our skin, from our fear, from our love, from our hate, from our self.

i think it’s love. not fondness, or love, or adoration, or pink little emoji hearts. it’s love, the manifestation of the ache and need to nurture. I want to peel away the layers of disdain you have for the world and pour a little love into you with my words of encouragement, of congratulation, of understanding. 

It’s not bought in jewels, or meals at fancy restaurants. it’s showing that person something you don’t share with others. 

i see the hurt in myself reflected in other people’s eyes. the doubt, the fidgeting . I see it reflected in wildly different colors. in reds and blues, in that beautiful charcoal grey that reminds me of salt, or sand. 

i want to hold you close. i want to make sure you’re okay. i want to feed you and wrap you up in a cloak of warmth. I want to make you laugh. I want you all to know I love you, from a far.

when i get too tipsy. when i’m near tears with frustration. when I panic, frozen and gut lurching. trying to convince myself it’s fine when it’s not. 

I love you. I love you. I love you. You strangers, you my love, you my friend, you my past, you my present, you my future. I fucking love you. and here’s the thing, i’m teaching myself not to need you to love me back. I just love you. 

Do Not Fear

It’s easy to fall into the pattern of believing the ways and words of the world. The judgement, the criticism, the negativity and the labels that most consider acceptable. It’s easy to take three steps back from the light of Christ’s eyes and step into the shadows of the unknown, the earth, your city, your town. It’s easy to lose sight of what is sure and steadfast, and become swallowed up by all that is shakeable and untrue. Without hope, without strength, without reliance and trust in all that He has promised and claimed for us, we are sure to rely on the lies of satan as a place to find our worth. In our struggles it is nothing less than his goal and aim, to crush us so finely, that we feel adamantly to weak to stand and proclaim the truth over our lies… And so, we are left wondering- if this is the fate I hold on the other side of the line of life, how do I keep myself from being pulled in the direction of all that is false, rather than all that is true; and the answer is pure and simple… Focus and rely on His word, His face and His victories, and run forth in prayer and desire to seek and be all that is pure and holy; Do not fear what is to come, do not fear what looks back at you in the mirror- but embrace who Christ has created and saved you to be. Your reflection in time, will become more beautiful.. As you hold tight to his garments, commit to his commands, repent to the foot of the cross, be cleansed by His blood, adhere to and live out His word. Until the day when you glance in the mirror and see the weights, judgements and words of the world resting on His reflection staring back at you, and not your own. As it is for this reason, and many more- that He came for us, that we may not suffer, struggle and fall without a remedy, a cure, a release… A Saviour to raise us up, dust off our imperfections and remind us that each day is a new opportunity to get things right and start again.  How blessed we are to live in victory, and not in defeat.

Why

Dear Love

For the first time in a while, I missed you today.

So often I think it is about me. About us. About women.

Probably because I am one.

I think of our broken hearts, shredded and lonely, waiting and wondering if anything but Christ and loneliness will ever live here.

I think of tears cried in the darkness and at empty kitchen tables, and smiles forced over cups of coffee pretending stories of others’ togetherness are simply a source of joy.

I think of how it feels to wonder who and to wonder why and to wonder why no one ever just asks, because you never know unless you ask.

But I rarely consider the responsibility you bear, brother.
I rarely think of what it must be like to be the one to ask the question, to make the first move, as your broken, lonely, shredded heart beats a bit faster as you wonder what she will say.

I rarely think of what it must be like to face the choice of relationship instead of independence, to choose to love another as Christ loves the Church. For the rest of your collective time on this earth.

Brother, that must be so daunting.

I do not know if I could handle that responsibility.
Of course I have my own responsibility to bear in that same agreement, for the rest of our collective time on this earth.

But, brother, I rarely consider your side.
I rarely wonder what you think or feel late at night in the darkness or at empty kitchen tables or over cups of coffee, or perhaps for you it is pints of beer and cigars.

Brother, I am sorry for thinking it is just me, it is just us, just women.
It is about us, men and women, with hearts on the mend, waiting and wondering if anything but Christ and loneliness will ever live here.

Father God, please shield my heart, I’m feeling much more human than usual.

Love,
Miyah