I am alive and live in one of the most beautiful towns in Ohio. That mellow, messy, leaf-kicking, perfect pause between summer and winter is my favorite time of year. Chilly air, whistling wind, and rain that smells like memories.
Sometimes, I like to lie awake at night listening to the pitter-patter of raindrops on my roof. Sometimes, the sky is so clear that I can see the far blue edge of forever behind distant suns. Sometimes, I see little shooting stars out of the corner of my eyes like falling glitter. Sometimes, I think if we lived to be 200-300 years old, the clouds would spin a lot faster. Sometimes, I think the city is sucking away at my soul.
I used to wake up in the middle of the night and take photographs, pictures that represented the things I could never find the words to express. Often times I would wonder if the message was ever lost in translation.
I don’t think it is.
I think that is why I keep doing it.
I guess you could say I’m a dreamer. I like anything pretty, witty, or wise, and captivating and emotional art inspires me. I am 2/3 free and the 1/3 “unfree” part of me doesn’t even matter that much. I believe in magic and people and pinky promises, and I’m kind of in love with the whole wide world. I like flaws and feel more comfortable around people who have them. And when it comes down to it, I don’t want everything to add up to the perfect equation. I want mess and chaos. I want someone to go crazy out of his mind for me. I want to do something wild and reckless. I want to feel alive. I want a rich life, full of both hugs and kisses and kicks and punches. And I don’t really know where I’m going, but I hope I go far.
Get to know me. I am much more than just the heartache and cliché words on my blog.
Love,
{Miyah Faith}
Friday, September 30
Thursday, September 29
Musings of My Best Friend
These are just things my best friend has said/sent. ;-)
"You've got this wall around you, guarding you from everyone and everything. I want so badly for you to drop it and let me in. But you're not going to, I see that. So I'm gonna take it down myself. Don't think I won't. I'll use hammers and crowbars if I have to."
"You make me smile, so you can't be that bad."
"I'm worried that I'm never going to be where I want to be. That I'm gonna be stuck here, in this place, for the rest of my life. God, please don't let that happen."
"You make me smile, so you can't be that bad."
"Somedays, I just have to ask, Is following God always this hard?"
"Nothing makes sense to me anymore. But I think I'm starting to like it."
"I wanna know everything about you. The good, the bad, all the things in between. What you're ashamed of, what you're proud of, what you're scared of. The important things, the silly things. But you're not going to tell me are you? why not? Do you think it'll change what I feel for you? It won't."
"Sometimes two hearts just can't dance at the same beat."
"God has someone better in mind. I can't wait to meet the other half of the kookiest couple in the world. :-) Keep yo head up, girl."
"I don't pray for the easy stuff. I pray for the big things. Things that are ambitious, out of reach. I pray because I need help and I'm scared and I know I may be asking too much. I still pray, though, because He always answers."
"Be careful who you are when you're young because someday an old lady will take your place and your whole life will become her memories." {Gee thanks}
"You've got to look ahead to where you are going much more than always checking back from where you've been. If you spend too much time looking there, you'll probably crash."
"I've never had much to offer, most days I think I'm the most boring person ever. But I can offer you a hug when you're sad, a lame joke to try to cheer you up, bear hugs to warm your heart and so you know you mean the world to someone."
"You forced me to smile when I promised that I would never laugh again. So, do I hate you? No, I thank you because you got me on the right track again."
"The truth is it doesn't matter who I used to be, as long as today I'm someone brighter and better."
"I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday."
"I just happen to think people are better off doing something they actually like."
"I know what you mean, even when i'm in an 'all people are morons' mood, cheesy love songs still make me feel better."
"You've got this wall around you, guarding you from everyone and everything. I want so badly for you to drop it and let me in. But you're not going to, I see that. So I'm gonna take it down myself. Don't think I won't. I'll use hammers and crowbars if I have to."
"You make me smile, so you can't be that bad."
"I'm worried that I'm never going to be where I want to be. That I'm gonna be stuck here, in this place, for the rest of my life. God, please don't let that happen."
"You make me smile, so you can't be that bad."
"Somedays, I just have to ask, Is following God always this hard?"
"Nothing makes sense to me anymore. But I think I'm starting to like it."
"I wanna know everything about you. The good, the bad, all the things in between. What you're ashamed of, what you're proud of, what you're scared of. The important things, the silly things. But you're not going to tell me are you? why not? Do you think it'll change what I feel for you? It won't."
"Sometimes two hearts just can't dance at the same beat."
"God has someone better in mind. I can't wait to meet the other half of the kookiest couple in the world. :-) Keep yo head up, girl."
"I don't pray for the easy stuff. I pray for the big things. Things that are ambitious, out of reach. I pray because I need help and I'm scared and I know I may be asking too much. I still pray, though, because He always answers."
"Be careful who you are when you're young because someday an old lady will take your place and your whole life will become her memories." {Gee thanks}
"You've got to look ahead to where you are going much more than always checking back from where you've been. If you spend too much time looking there, you'll probably crash."
"I've never had much to offer, most days I think I'm the most boring person ever. But I can offer you a hug when you're sad, a lame joke to try to cheer you up, bear hugs to warm your heart and so you know you mean the world to someone."
"You forced me to smile when I promised that I would never laugh again. So, do I hate you? No, I thank you because you got me on the right track again."
"The truth is it doesn't matter who I used to be, as long as today I'm someone brighter and better."
"I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday."
"I just happen to think people are better off doing something they actually like."
"I know what you mean, even when i'm in an 'all people are morons' mood, cheesy love songs still make me feel better."
Psalm 118:24
"Joy is not the absence of suffering but the presence of God."
What keeps me from sadness? What keeps the demons of depression and helplessness from devouring and feasting on my soul? I know the church answer is Jesus, but sometimes I don't believe it. I turn to other things more often, more practical things in my mind.
Surround myself with people and hugs, watch Joss Whedon shows and John Hughes movies, drown my thoughts out with music, and bury all the feelings of sadness under a temporary avalanche of "happiness". Anything that injects an immediate dose of laughter into my veins becomes heroin.
Or I go the opposite direction. I isolate myself from people, shut down and don't talk, avoid things that make me "happy", read depressing quotes and write eulogies, and embrace the sadness wholeheartedly without sense. Neither of these help in the long-term, but they both offer immediate comfort.
God doesn't promise immediate comfort, so I'm tempted to just ignore Him when I'm sad. Immediate comfort leads to happiness, but God promises me joy. Joy and happiness are often touted as the same thing, but even their very essence is different.
Happiness looks like this-
1) My circumstances are good so
2) My life is good so
3) I'm good
It's entirely based on changeable circumstances.
Joy looks like this-
1) My circumstances are bad so
2) My life sucks BUT
3) GOD IS STILL GOOD so
4) I'm good
Joy is based entirely on the Unchangeable God.
{Miyah Faith}
What keeps me from sadness? What keeps the demons of depression and helplessness from devouring and feasting on my soul? I know the church answer is Jesus, but sometimes I don't believe it. I turn to other things more often, more practical things in my mind.
Surround myself with people and hugs, watch Joss Whedon shows and John Hughes movies, drown my thoughts out with music, and bury all the feelings of sadness under a temporary avalanche of "happiness". Anything that injects an immediate dose of laughter into my veins becomes heroin.
Or I go the opposite direction. I isolate myself from people, shut down and don't talk, avoid things that make me "happy", read depressing quotes and write eulogies, and embrace the sadness wholeheartedly without sense. Neither of these help in the long-term, but they both offer immediate comfort.
God doesn't promise immediate comfort, so I'm tempted to just ignore Him when I'm sad. Immediate comfort leads to happiness, but God promises me joy. Joy and happiness are often touted as the same thing, but even their very essence is different.
Happiness looks like this-
1) My circumstances are good so
2) My life is good so
3) I'm good
It's entirely based on changeable circumstances.
Joy looks like this-
1) My circumstances are bad so
2) My life sucks BUT
3) GOD IS STILL GOOD so
4) I'm good
Joy is based entirely on the Unchangeable God.
{Miyah Faith}
Wednesday, September 28
2 Corinthians 4:8-9
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed."
So many feelings coursing through me now. One surprises me though: joy. I'm joyful today. I know it's not just happiness, because happiness is based on circumstances.
I wrote this today:
'Joy: not moody, not depressed, not "down in the dumps" or "long in the face'. Joyful. Where does this joy come from? Certainly not me. If it were up to me, this entry would be entirely different, wallowing in self-pity and dripping with angst (maybe even written in blood), but I'm not. I'm not overtaken with sadness. Why not? Why is the darkness not closing in? I mean, crying is necessary sometimes, but I feel like God reaches out and lovingly smacks me upside the head and says 'Enough'
Been dealing with feelings I really don't want or need to have right now, stuff back home, and schoolwork is, well, schoolwork. Times like this, in all honesty, I want to crawl under the covers and cry, but God won't let me have a pity party. He wants me to live life, and that's what I intend to do. Live this life He's given me, and lean so much on the Holy Spirit that I'd fall over if He wasn't holding me up. I have to. So, instead of retreating and disappearing from life, I'm going to go to class, take a shower, find a nice spot, and dig into the Word. Then, I'm going to study, work, have fun, listen to Jesus music, listen to Jesus, laugh with friends, watch movies, give an insane amount of hugs, cry every once in awhile, pray, worship, do homework, and everything else God has me do in my life. I am not my own. I am His.
{Miyah Faith}
So many feelings coursing through me now. One surprises me though: joy. I'm joyful today. I know it's not just happiness, because happiness is based on circumstances.
I wrote this today:
'Joy: not moody, not depressed, not "down in the dumps" or "long in the face'. Joyful. Where does this joy come from? Certainly not me. If it were up to me, this entry would be entirely different, wallowing in self-pity and dripping with angst (maybe even written in blood), but I'm not. I'm not overtaken with sadness. Why not? Why is the darkness not closing in? I mean, crying is necessary sometimes, but I feel like God reaches out and lovingly smacks me upside the head and says 'Enough'
Been dealing with feelings I really don't want or need to have right now, stuff back home, and schoolwork is, well, schoolwork. Times like this, in all honesty, I want to crawl under the covers and cry, but God won't let me have a pity party. He wants me to live life, and that's what I intend to do. Live this life He's given me, and lean so much on the Holy Spirit that I'd fall over if He wasn't holding me up. I have to. So, instead of retreating and disappearing from life, I'm going to go to class, take a shower, find a nice spot, and dig into the Word. Then, I'm going to study, work, have fun, listen to Jesus music, listen to Jesus, laugh with friends, watch movies, give an insane amount of hugs, cry every once in awhile, pray, worship, do homework, and everything else God has me do in my life. I am not my own. I am His.
{Miyah Faith}
By Your Side - Tenth Avenue North
Walking outside in the rain, and this song blessed me, esp.
'Why are you looking for love?/Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?'
I could almost hear God saying those words to me.
God is saying 'I LOVE YOU/I want you to know/that I, I LOVE YOU/I'll never let you go'.
I'm trying my hardest to listen.
Monday, September 26
Sometimes
Sometimes, you just want to hand a bottle back and forth with someone, with the lights low, feet brushing against each other, as you sit on the floor. You want to read paragraphs aloud from philosophy books, and smile. You want to kiss their neck, just behind their ear. Their cheek just southwest of their eye. You want to whisper french terms of endearment. You want to tell them about the last time you cut yourself, or accidentally looked down to find blood from a scratch on your knuckle.
You want to play the music a little too loud. You want to whisper the lyrics. You want to lose sleep. You want to cry a bit, from laughing so hard. You want to not touch at all except for fingertips. You want to dance, throwing your arms around, your hair a mess. Collapse with joy etched on your face.
You want to lift the bottle up to your mouth and notice them watching your lips. You want them to want. You want to want. You want to mourn the 30 degree drop in temperature, and the week ahead. You want to tell them what you fear the most.
Sunday, September 11
Psalm 52:8
"I've given you your heart for a reason."-God
A couple of days ago, I was talking with a friend over homework. I had thought there was a little more than brotherly love on his part, and I asked him so. He assured me that we were just good friends. Ever been both immensely relieved and saddened at the same time? Well, that's how I felt right then. The next day, I was listening to music by myself, and decided to have one of humanity's most common parties: a pity party.
Now, I've told people this before, and it's true. God loves crashing pity parties. The minute I started feeling sorry for myself, God goes "Nope. We're not having this." My playlist (which was not on shuffle) randomly skipped three or four songs to go straight to 'Oh, How He Loves Us'. I still have not gotten over how much God loves me, and right when I start thinking I'm over it, He shows me yet another facet of His love that amazes me. This time, it was romantic love.
Now, I've come to see God as my Father, as my Brother, as my Comforter (Hallelujah!), as my Provider, as my source of Joy, etc...but I had never thought of Him as my Lover. I don't have the negative physical conotations of that word that stop some people from labeling God as such; I had just never had an instance where I viewed Him as my Lover.
One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Proverbs 4:23 {Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.} That day, God gave me more insight into this verse.
Maybe that's what giving God the desires of my heart feels like.
I give Him my desires in exchange for His desires.
{Miyah Faith}
A couple of days ago, I was talking with a friend over homework. I had thought there was a little more than brotherly love on his part, and I asked him so. He assured me that we were just good friends. Ever been both immensely relieved and saddened at the same time? Well, that's how I felt right then. The next day, I was listening to music by myself, and decided to have one of humanity's most common parties: a pity party.
Now, I've told people this before, and it's true. God loves crashing pity parties. The minute I started feeling sorry for myself, God goes "Nope. We're not having this." My playlist (which was not on shuffle) randomly skipped three or four songs to go straight to 'Oh, How He Loves Us'. I still have not gotten over how much God loves me, and right when I start thinking I'm over it, He shows me yet another facet of His love that amazes me. This time, it was romantic love.
Now, I've come to see God as my Father, as my Brother, as my Comforter (Hallelujah!), as my Provider, as my source of Joy, etc...but I had never thought of Him as my Lover. I don't have the negative physical conotations of that word that stop some people from labeling God as such; I had just never had an instance where I viewed Him as my Lover.
One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Proverbs 4:23 {Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.} That day, God gave me more insight into this verse.
1. Guarding my heart does not mean protecting myself from being hurt. There’s no way I can insulate myself from any possibility of pain. Pain is a regular part of relationships in this broken world.God has given me a big heart, and I love BIG. I love on people the way God loves on people, and I know that is a definite gift of mine. Instead of guarding my heart from rejection, I should guard my heart from the love that sucks the life out of my relationship with God. Romantic love is a wonderful thing that I can't wait to experience with the person God is currently molding me for, but it can also be a potential dangerous idol that comes between me and God.
2. Guarding my heart does mean allowing no one access to that most central place of my affections but God. It means keeping the first commandment first—and loving Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength (Deut. 6:5).
Maybe that's what giving God the desires of my heart feels like.
I give Him my desires in exchange for His desires.
{Miyah Faith}
Friday, September 9
Isaiah 40:3-5
"A voice of one calling in the desert prepare the way for the Lord, make straight in the wilderness a highway for our God. Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. And the glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all mankind together will see it."
Thursday, September 8
Isaiah 38: 17-19
"Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In Your love, You kept me from the pit of destruction; You have put all my sins behind your back. For the grave cannot praise You, death cannot sing Your praise; those who go down to the pit cannot hope for Your faithfulness. The living, the living, they praise You, as I am doing today."
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